कल तक जिनके दीदार को  तरसते  थे
अब उन्हें न देखने की दुआयें मांगते हैं 

Its been years that I looked back , too busy with mundane of life  .... I pondered ...and found the more we change ...the more we remain same ....somewhere I had forgotten what I had set out to do ...I am nice human being ...and not so nice at the same time ....its a self reflection...I am tired ...How easily I believe people and how easily I give them the power to hurt me ....I may have a garb outside but deep down I too hope to be respected and given the due long over due....I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of.....I am open about it because now I do not fear losing ....losing anything ....I have lost what I had to so I believe from here ...road will lead me to only success ....success in my eyes ...respect in my own eyes ...confidence for my own self......After all these years first time I have felt that finally I am on the path that I had set out for myself ...the itch remains , the fire to prove myself remains , the struggle to make people appreciate my true worth remains .....deep down i know this is going to be my year , I have promised myself....Enough of setbacks in life...enough of living for others and enough of dependency but at the end of it , I am a human being ....who has few complaints to make ....who has few revenge to take ....who has few milestones to achieve ....I shall not forget the wrong doers and should not forgive them either .....

I am going through a phase of hatred for my own self to have allowed myself to be manipulated , to have believed and trusted people while at the same time not being trustful.....its a confused state of mind and to get at peace will need some work....some tough work...from me 

Everything is me after all .....its the beginning and end ....everyone else takes care of their me ....its time now for me to think same ....for me ...about me ....and be happy .....I deserve it .....I so badly deserve it .............................................................................................................................................

Suggestion

It was a foggy morning. The fog outside somewhat manifested  the cloud inside me. I wanted answers and all I wanted was some lonesome time to clear that cloud . I was looking for peace and restlessness was not ready to leave me. The ongoing struggles between right and wrong was strong and it needed some thought . At the end of it all that mattered was what I think , how I planned to go ahead , and what was my decision. I had spoken to God , I saw a psychiatrist and met psychologist but came to one conclusion what mattered was what I wanted from my life and I had no right to go weak in achieving that . Only then could I have got rid of guilt I was carrying within and living with. And with all these thoughts I went inside the chamber .It was the chamber of Dr Kalra , a psychologist by profession but priest for me who was there to show me the light at the end of the tunnel and give me some valuable suggestions to improve my life and get on with it in most positive mood that I was capable of .

Zindagi ko kareeb se jaana

Zindagi ko kareeb se jaana
Jo kuch samjha , lagta bemaayna

आज  बरसों  बाद  उन  लम्हों   का   ज़िक्र  मन  में  कोई  एहसास  नहीं  जगाता  , न  ही  उन्हें  याद  रखने  की  ज़रुरत महसूस  होती  है  , याद  आते  हैं  ऐसा  भी  नहीं  बस  एक  ख्याल  की  तरह  कभी कभी  अंधेरों  को  चीरती  हुई  सामने  आ खड़ी  होती  है  ,  उन लम्हों  के  साथ  अब  कोई  संवेदना  नहीं जुडी  है  मगर  तजुर्बा  जुदा  है ,,,अनुभव  जिनके  बगैर  ये ज़िन्दगी  वही  नहीं  होती  जो  आज  है  , मेरी  शक्शियत वही  नहीं  होती  जो  आज  है  , मैं  वही  इंसान  नहीं  होती  जो  आज  हूँ .

कभी  कभी  यकीन  नहीं  होता  की  वो  ज़िन्दगी  भी  मेरी  ही  थी  , मैंने  खुद  जिया  था , अब  सिर्फ   एक  सपने  की  तरह  आंखों  के  सामने  से  गुज़र  जाता  है   और  एक  ठंडी  सांस  के  साथ  रुखसत  हो  लेता  है  . कुछ  पल  को  ये  ख्याल  जीने  का  सहारा  दे  जाते  हैं  और  फिर  हकीकत  की  चोट  सच्छी  सामने  ले  आती  है  .
कितना  कुछ  था  उस  ज़िन्दगी  में  जो  कभी  मेरी   थी  ..एक  परिवार  जहाँ  माँ  थी  , जो  मुझसे  कोई शिकायत  नहीं  करती  थी  सिर्फ देती  थी  , और  मेरी  शिकायत  कभी  कम  नहीं  होती  थी  , एक  पिता  थे   जिनसे  मैं  लड़  लिया  करती थी  और ये  भी  नहीं  समझती  थी  की उन्हें  बुरा  भी लगता  होगा , एक  भाई  था  जिसे  मैं  अक्सर  बात  चीत  बंद  किया  करती  थी , गरज  जाती  थी   और  वो  फिर  भी  मनाया  ही  करता  था ...अज  की  ज़िन्दगी  कितनी  अकेली  है  ....माँ  का  साया  उठ  चूका  है  ,एक  ऐसी  कमी  जिसके  साथ  जीना  सीख  लिया है  ....बस  .....पिता  हैं  पर  वो लड़ाई  , वो  जिद  नहीं  ....भाई  है  पर  रूठना  मानना  नहीं  होता  ...हम  सब  बड़े  हो  गए  ...ज़िम्मेदार  हो गए  हैं ....माँ  के  जाते  ही  सब  के  सर  पे  एक  अनदेखी ज़िम्मेदारी  आ  गयी  और  बचपना  कहीं  खो  गया  ....हंसी  एक  फासला  तय  करके  आती  है  ....अब  हम  बड़े  हो  गए  हैं  ....उन  लम्हों  के  परे  हो   गए  हैं ........

Time moving swiftly,
And I
a mute spectator
watching
God's play
With Silent obedience....

.साक्षी

मैं साक्षी हूँ उस एक एक घटना की जो होना चाहिए था ...और उस एक एक घटना की जो नहीं होना चाहिए था , पर मेरे हाथ में कुछ भी नहीं था .....मैं किन्कर्ताव्यविमूध थी.... हूँ , मैं असमर्थ थी उन आंसुओं को पोंछने में , उन सिसकियों को रोकने में और उन परेशानियों को मिटाने में जो एक घर में अजनबियों के बीच रहते हुए अकेले में  छलक पड़ते .....जो अपने होकर भी बिलकुल अनजाने थे .....बिलकुल अनजाने और मैं सिर्फ साक्षी थी ......साक्षी